Well, today marks the day that a digitally animated robot becomes the best actor in Hollywood. Let’s see what the rest of these no talent clowns have been up to while a cartoon successfully out-acts them.

Matt Damon got hella fat! Well, just for a part, but still. He looks like a straight-up child molester. Related Tangent: how weird would it be if Matt Damon went by Matthew Damon instead? Matthew Damon and Benjamin Affleck. Weird, right? Just me? Cool. (WWTDD)

Speaking of Benjamin Affleck, it looks like there might be trouble in MarriageLand, USA for him and his wife, Jennifer Gardner. I’ll give you one hint why - it starts with ‘their daughter’ and ends with ‘looks like a gremlin.’ Also, I can’t help but compare this picture with this picture. (IDLYITW, WWTDD)

Amy Winehouse was diagnosed with the early stages of emphysema this week, which finally, FINALLY seemed to get through to her. Thank God. She waited until she was in the parking lot to light up instead of in the waiting room like she normally does. I’m just so damn proud of her. (Celebslam)

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Cheryl: I can’t thank you all enough for coming out to our lil’ Rebecca’s second birthday, especially after all the turmoil and chaos of Gary and I separating. *Tearing up* I know, I know today is a day for celebration so let’s start th —

Gary enters and SLAMS the door shut behind him, sweating profusely with the musk of a man who’s had a few too many after-work shots with the boys.

Gary: (slurring) Where’s MY little girl?

Cheryl: Jesus Gary, not now! You can’t just barge into my house anymore.

Gary: Your house? That’s funny! YOUR house? MY HOUSE saddlebags! And Becca’s MY girl too so I have every right to be here for her birthday.

Cheryl: Let’s just try and be civil for once. Please.

Gary: Is this chump in the black and white camo your new boy toy? Your new pet holding my goddamn daughter as she wears the pink outfit I bought for her! How many times did you ride him on my La-Z-Boy, Cheryl? How many times?!?

Cheryl: You’re drunk Gary. Seek help.

Gary: Just answer me one question. Does he f*ck you as softly as I do?

Cheryl: That’s your brother Richard, he’s here for the birthday party Gary.

Gary: Jesus you really are a dirty slut. Well I have a present for YOU Cheryl.
*Motions towards door* Come in Candi, the party’s just getting started.

*Candi enters causing everyone to shift uncomfortably in their seats*

Cheryl: She looks like a prostitute.
 
Gary: Wrong again Cheryl! She’s a hooker. Now who wants to do a shot? I’m going to do a shot. Shots?

*Richard goes to stand up*

Cheryl: Sit down Richard. We’re about to sing Happy Birthday to Becca. We’d all appreciate it if the both of you just left.

Gary: Then two shots for my baby girl on her birthday it is! Turn around Candi.

*Gary grabs her from behind, bends her over and pours a nip of vodka onto the small of her back*

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Hey CollegeHumor fans! Guess what? There’s no contest going on right now. JUST KIDDING! Oh man, I got you so hard. You were all like, “Dang there’s no contest going on?” You morons.

Speaking of amazing pranks and fun contests, there’s a contest about the best senior pranks of all time going on right now. It’s for a promotion we’re doing for the Charlie Bartlett DVD, did you guys notice we were promoting that? Probs not. So yeah, all you need to do is submit the most bad ass senior prank that you pulled and we’ll give you 2,000 cash. And this time, I am not kidding.

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Producer: William, we must speak with each other of this new play you’ve written.
Shakespeare: Ah, yes. My latest is the tale of a…
Producer: Yes…yes, the story is fine. More than fine, William. It’s just that we at The Globe take issue with some of your word choices.
Shakespeare: Alas, my words are not a choice! My quill is the true scribe of this volume, I merely act as interpreter!
Producer: Right…right. Yet, we can’t help but notice that numerous words in this play just aren’t - how shall I put this tenderly - words. You’ve invented them, have you not?
Shakespeare: Someday, sir, these words will be as normal as a cloud in the sky or a rat in your stew!
Producer: Someday, perhaps. But not now. Listen, William, it wouldn’t be such a problem if these words had a discernible meaning. But “lackluster”, “impede”, “tranquil”? I couldn’t even begin to imagine what sort of intention lies therein.
Shakespeare: Sir, you’re acting as a muddlelump! Simply read the words in context!
Producer: Have you lost your miggle, sir? To call me a muddlelump only serves to illustrate what a billyham you’re behaving as.!slice
Shakespeare: Billyham?! You sir, can count yourself lucky I am an honorable plebicanian or I would have your nose betwixt my two figglers. So help me God, I shall not be spoken to with such…such qual!
Producer: William, please calm yourself. If these kind of hannyhocks continue I fear this meeting will dissolve into fistifinks, and neither you nor I are the sort for that.
Shakespeare: You are correct, sir. I apologize. When my wenny is up I fear I can become a bit hornish. But I appeal to you on bended knick, please allow the play to be staged with its original words in tact.
Producer: I just don’t know, William. “Gloomy”? “Elbow?” “Advertising,” for God’s sake? You believe the audience will be able to ascertain your intended point?
Shakespeare: Certigishly.
Producer: Well, if you feel so strongly about it, I will let the play go on as written. But I fear for its reception, William. It may be many years before the populace at large understands an utterance such as “bandit.”
Shakespeare: We shall see, shall we not? Good day to you, sir. Bestbigsby!
Producer: Bestbigsby, William.

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RULES: Leave your one best sumbission as a comment. A COMMENT. No replies. No retries. Keep reading to vote on last week’s best captions…
EDIT: JK, had to do a little switcheroo on the image. If you left a submission for that, it doesn’t count and you can try again.

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Simply roll your mouse over the text to reveal its true meaning!

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